Redefined Dreams

Ten weeks ago tomorrow my life changed. Now, I knew having a child would definitely change some aspects of my life but I am not sure I was prepared for the magnitude of these changes. I have often found myself wondering the last 2.5 months if every new mom's life is turned upside down like mine has been, or if God is using my daughter in a very specific way to sanctify me. In some sense who I am, my identity has changed. I am now a mother.

The magnitude of my love for my daughter is indescribable. I can't believe I love someone in the way I love her. Now, I have a great marriage and I love my husband dearly. I can't describe to you that love either. I guess the love I have for my daughter is different than the love I have for my husband- not better or worse just different. My wise friend Becca described it this way, "You CHOSE to love your husband, you just naturally loved your daughter."

The love I have for her has driven me to my knees in a way I have never experienced. I am so burdened for the salvation of this little girl's life, that sometimes I find myself weeping over her as I beg God to draw her into a relationship with himself. The truth is, she was born in rebellion to God. Nothing good is in her. She is separated from the creator and sustainer of her life and she desperately needs him to save her from her rebellion and wickedness. (I have been convicted of my lack of desperation for others to know Christ because of the desperation I feel for her to know Christ, but we will save that for another post). Together as a couple we have begged God to give us wisdom to know how to train her in righteousness. I know God is the one who initiates a relationship with her and through his grace he is the one who gives her faith, but I firmly believe that God has entrusted her life into our care so we can create an environment for God to work in her life. So we beg God for wisdom to know how to do this.

In these times of seeking wisdom I have felt God leading me to (gasp) become a "stay at home mom." Yes, I just typed it and in fact I have even said it out loud to my husband. I believe obedience for me in this season of life (however long it is) is to stay at home and create an environment for the Lord to work in the life of my daughter. Why the gasp, the shock- because for 26 years of my life I have said "I will never stay at home with my kids."

You see I have dreams. Dreams of a counseling career that would bring honor and glory to God. Dreams of seeing people freed from unhealthy living to radical abandonment to the ways of God. Good, Biblical, Kingdom dreams. In addition to those dreams lurk the insecurities, "I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom." If I listed for you my strengths and weakness you would see qualities that glaringly say you should work outside the home. You certainly wouldn't find a list of strengths that meet the criteria for what I have always believed to be a good stay at home mom- crafty, good cook, good house cleaner, good with kids, etc.

These last 10 weeks God has debunked the idea of a stereotypical stay at home mom. He has whispered quietly to my spirit for me to be who he created me to be and to obediently follow his call to stay at home. I don't have to create a facade of the "stereotypical stay at home mom." He has promised me that he will be strong in my weaknesses and in my insecurities if I obey him. He has asked me to trust him, to let him expose my insecurities, to be obedient and he will take care of the rest.

My old dreams haven't disappeared. God has just redefined my dreams for this season. I want what he wants for me. You see in seventy years when I look back on my life I want to have left a legacy of radical devotion to Christ and radical abandonment to this world. I want that legacy to be left through my children and my grandchildren. I am committed to do whatever God commands me to do for that legacy to be left even if I feel exposed, insecure, and uncomfortable the entire time. His future promise is worth it.

Uncomfortable

I have this tendency in my life, that when God is moving me to a new place, I begin to feel a bit uncomfortable, and my fleshly desire is to run back to what is comfortable and trust myself not God. The thing I am learning is that God doesn't call me to live a comfortable life. In fact he calls me to just the opposite. He calls me to live a life a risk. The risk is putting away my fleshly desires and trusting his Word, no matter what the cost. I love Sara Groves' song "Painting Pictures of Egypt." The lyrics resonate in my heart. The Israelites had to trust that God was indeed going to deliver them to the promise land even if it meant being in the desert for 40 years. When it's hard and uncomfortable the tendency is to run back to what you know. Sanctification is about being uncomfortable. When God is transforming you from your old self into his image you can't be comfortable. The difference in my life today versus 5 years ago is that I really believe that God's Word will lead me to a land of milk and honey, and there isn't an option to not obey his Word.

The purpose of this blog is two-fold. First, for me to flesh out and process through the "uncomfortable" things God is doing in my life. The thing is God didn't create sanctification to happen in isolation. So the second purpose of this blog is for God to use what he is teaching me to somehow transform you. Most of these posts will probably be challenging for me to write and hopefully challenging for you to hear. Currently, I have lots of posts circulating in my heart. I am sure there will be season when you hear from me more than others and I am okay with that. For now I am going to leave you with the lyrics of "Painting Pictures in Egypt."


I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?