Rewards in Heaven

I got a 4.0 this semester. One of the things I like most about school is that you work really hard all semester and at the end you get an evaluation. If you do good you get a good grade and praise. If you do bad, you should have worked harder. There are parts of the semester that aren't fun, (i.e. tests) but if you work hard, you do well, you make the grade, you get praised. The studying for the test pays off. There are parts of the process you like (i.e. papers- yes I like to write papers!) you enjoy them while you are doing them and then get the added bonus of an evaluation and praise if you do good.

Work is similar. You work hard, meet a deadline, get recongnition. Exercise is also similar. Set a a goal complete the goal you feel accomplishment. So far being a stay at home mom doesn't really do that for me.

There are parts I hate: cleaning the house (especially keeping it in "show" condition), laundry, ironing, cooking, grocery shopping, changing diapers, calming down a fussy baby, dishes etc. but to make matters worse there is no evaluation. No opportunity to earn the grade per say. It's not like after you spend the day doing loads and loads of laundry, folding, ironing, and putting away clothes you can get online and an "A" pops up for folding laundry. I know my family appreciates these medial tasks I do and my husband thanks me and encourages me all the time, but its not the same as receiving an evaluation and feeling proud of the work you have done.

There are things I LOVE about being a stay at home mom: snuggling with my daughter while she eats while making the cutest baby noises in the world, giving her a bath and watching her splash and play and her smell when she is fresh and clean, laying on the floor with her while she plays on her play gym and watching her laugh and squeal at the dumb little bird that hangs above her, carrying on a conversation with her (yes- I talk and she baby babbles back), the smile I get when I go get her in the middle of the night to feed her, the crazy dance parties we have with her stuffed animals in her room, playing dress up, how when she is playing in her bouncy seat every once in awhile she looks for me to make sure I am still there and the smile on her face when she sees I haven't left her, the joy of seeing her learn something new, praying over her and telling her all about Jesus and the gospel even when she has no clue what I am saying.

These things I love about being a mom but even these don't really give me a sense of accomplishment. There isn't an evaluation for how well you lay on the floor and make your baby laugh or for how much dancing you do during a stuffed animal dance party.

Many times at the end of the day I reflect on my day and think what have I done today. That's when the feeling of being lazy and unproductive creeps in. I often find myself feeling defeated thinking I haven't done anything of importance or value. I don't feel any sense of pay off for the hard work of the day. Now, I know all the things listed above are really important in the life of my family (& at times they are exhausting & much harder than working outside the home) but they don't produce the sense of accomplishment that a 4.0, a task completed at the office, or an extra mile on the end of a run do.

Not sure what this says about me. Maybe it reveals my sinful need for the approval and praise of man over God. Maybe it just confirms my identity is still rooted in what I do versus whose I am. Or maybe it is just a lesson in obedience. Obedience doesn't always produce rewards here on earth. Obedience produces rewards in heaven.

Repentance

I find myself asking my husband for forgiveness a lot lately. Not sure what is up, but I am just cranky and irritable a lot more than usual. Luckily I have a husband who truly lives out the gospel and loves me patiently even when I do not deserve it.

I have tried for sometime to blame my mood on lack of sleep. Our 12 week old is definitely doing better in the area of sleep but just can't seem to get over the hump to sleep all night every night. She goes to bed at 8:30 and wakes up at 3:30 or 4, eats, and then wakes up around 7 or 8. It really isn't bad but I find those middle of the night feedings catch up with me eventually (or so I blame my irritability on them.) I have tried to use them as my excuse but was convicted several days ago they aren't.

You see I have been desperate for sleep when in fact I should be desperate for the spirit. While reading Radical, I stumbled upon this. Matthew 7 Jesus is teaching on prayer and says "How much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." In a similar occurrence in Luke 11 Jesus says "How much more will your father give the holy spirit to those who ask him!" See when we ask for "good gifts" like comfort, guidance, discernment or in my case sleep and God give us so much more. He give us the comforter, the helper, the spirit of wisdom, or in my case the source of my strength.

God takes time from sustaining the entire world and comes to me in the form of the spirit and the spirit is my comfort, my patience, my wisdom, my strength. I have him, not just the characteristic I need to not chew my husband's head off. So again I find myself running to my knees in repentance begging the spirit for his fruits to be made real in my life and then humbly approaching my husband to apologize and ask for forgiveness for being mean and irritable.

Thank you God for your grace and thank you JK for living out the gospel in our marriage.

It's not Radical. It's just Biblical.

"I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold; I’d rather be His than have riches untold; I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands, I’d rather be led by His nail pierced hand. Than to be a king of a vast domain Or be held in sin’s dread sway, I’d rather have Jesus than anything This world affords today. I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause; I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause; I’d rather have Jesus than world-wide fame, I’d rather be true to His holy name.He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom; He’s sweeter than honey from out of the comb; He’s all that my hungering spirit needs,I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead."

The closer I get in my relationship to God the more I hate the sin in my life. More specifically the more I hate the materialism in my life. As I sit here and reread those lyrics, I think yes "I would rather have Jesus than this or that" but then I notice the designer jeans I am currently wearing (that I am embarrassed to say how much I paid for) and I wonder if I would I really "rather have Jesus?" Let's pretend for a minute that there aren't billions of people in the world living in poverty and that God doesn't command me to care for them. Still, today my jeans and what they represent (the American dream) would be an issue in my life. It's not the fact that I bought the jeans or own the jeans that is the problem. The problem is in the role they play in my life.

It's not just the jeans. I find myself saying daily "If I just had a bigger house, a newer car, a Mac Book, an IPhone, a new wardrobe then I would be satisfied, content, joyful, and have the approval of man." The problem is I save. I buy one of the things off the list and .5 seconds later I add another "If I just had." For sometime God has been saying to me "Maybe if you would just get rid of all the crap then there would be room in your life for me to be enough. Me to satisfy you. Me to give you joy. Me to make you content." I seem to just ignore him.

I am lucky enough that God has given me a husband who loving leads me away from the temptation of "stuff" because I really don't want my children to be exposed to a mom who loves "stuff." My husband is an excellent loving leader. We have for some time been trying to decide where we would live when we moved back to Birmingham. My parents are in the process of buying our condo so my initial thought was "That's our out. We can buy a house!" You probably are thinking that's great. That condo is too small for two adults, a 4 month old, and an 80 lbs dog. Yeah, I have said that exact same thing (without a gentle and quiet spirit) more times than I should have. The fact is when I take off my American Dream Blinders it is a perfect place for our family to live during this stage of life. Yes, one day our family will expand and then we will need to consider buying a bigger house, but for now the good old condo will be just perfect.

The previous paragraph makes it sound much easier than it is. I have pretty much dug in my heals, wined, and complained about it since the decision has been made. But man I am being obedient right!?! I am doing this whole "radical" thing even if I am kicking and screaming. (BTW I think we should call it Biblical. It just seems Radical because of the lack of people living Biblically in the world. Myself included.***)

Then I began thinking about disciplining my children (not that you discipline a 10 week old but just hang with me.) When I tell my children what to do, I don't want them to do it just because I told them to. I don't want them to just obey and then complain and wine about it as they go about being "obedient." The purpose of discipline is not behavior modification it is heart change. I bet God feels the same way about disciplining me.

I've heard it said that delayed obedience = disobedience. I agree. As I have been wining and complaining about cleaning out closets and moving to a 800 square foot condo, I have been convicted of this: wining, complaining, bitter obedience is in fact not obedience at all. It is disobedience. The solution I don't have. I just know I am begging God to change my heart. Begging him to give me joy in the process of "getting rid of all the crap, so there is room for Him." It's not Radical. It's just Biblical.

***Disclaimer I totally love @plattdavid's Radical. You shoud buy it, read it, and obey it because it's Biblical. You should listen to the sermons too- they are Biblical too.