It's Been Awhile...

Mostly because my 11 month old is a horrible napper & now that mommy's preggo when we do get a good nap in mommy is normally taking one too!

But I needed to clear my brain, so Baby Einstein is babysitting for a moment. It's been a rough couple of days- lots of tears. Mostly because I am hormonal and overly tired, but also because JK and I have chosen to not worry about a few specific areas of concern (that we have NO control over) in our lives right now. Instead we have chosen to trust our sovereign God who has a perfect plan for our life and family. But I am not perfect and these past few days I've worried more than trusted. I've found many tears falling at the foot of the cross as I beg for more grace to trust. I've also found myself feeling pretty lonely and God has begun challenging that in my life.

There were 3 things I was worried about being a stay at home mom. (BTW its been almost a year now...crazy!) 1. Purposefulness; 2.Lack of Intellectual Stimulation; 3. Boredom.

1. Purposefulness: After being in ministry for sometime I thought how useless I would feel staying at home cleaning my house, cooking, doing laudry, changing diapers, and giving baths. There's not much "making disciples" in that is there? Instead God has given me a great sense of purposefullness in ministering to my family. He has challenged me to do each task intentionally to either serve my husband or teach my daughter. Somtimes I miss the "discipleship" aspect of my childfree life, but there is much joy found at discipling your daughter, even if it means saying a 3 second prayer while she screams for lunch! Trying to teach her to be thankful for her food and how to pray. Also, JK and I are starting a couples' small group in a few weeks and are overly excited about being able to minister together to other couples.

2. Lack of Intellecutal Stimulation: I felt really dumb for several months. Changing diapers, laundry, and cooking don't take much brain power. But JK and I both committed to reading more this new year. I got three books going at once (Grace Based Parenting, Feminine Appeal, & Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God). JK and I also are taking a NT Class at Brook Hills together. It kinda feels like our dream of going to seminary together. Those outlets are really helping.

3. Boredom: This is where I struggle and this is where God is challenging me. In fact, boredom is not the word. Lonliness is the word. How much talking does an 11 month do? A lot but not much that I understand. I can spend all day in this house with just my daughter and by the end of the morning feel pretty lonely. God has challenged me in two areas A. I need to be okay with stillness; B. I am created for community and I must reach out.

A. I need to be okay with stillness: I like to be busy, so I don't have time to think. I need to be okay with thinking some. I need to be better at being still and listening to God. I need to use the stillness to commune with him and teach my daughter the same.

B. I need to reach out. God created me to do life with other people and I don't think it is
healthy for me to hang out with just my 11 month old from 6a-6p five days a week while my husband works. Reaching out is way out of my comfort zone. I don't want people to think "I need them." I don't want to find myself in uncomfortable, vulnerable, and out of my comfort zone situations and sometimes reaching out requires this.

So my goal is to set some tangible things I can do next week to 1. Be okay with stillness & make it intentional and 2. Reach Out. God has been faithful over the last year to transform me in many areas and I am confident he is not done transforming me.

Feels good to be back and have a clear brain as we go "fight" nap time!