Mostly because my 11 month old is a horrible napper & now that mommy's preggo when we do get a good nap in mommy is normally taking one too!
But I needed to clear my brain, so Baby Einstein is babysitting for a moment. It's been a rough couple of days- lots of tears. Mostly because I am hormonal and overly tired, but also because JK and I have chosen to not worry about a few specific areas of concern (that we have NO control over) in our lives right now. Instead we have chosen to trust our sovereign God who has a perfect plan for our life and family. But I am not perfect and these past few days I've worried more than trusted. I've found many tears falling at the foot of the cross as I beg for more grace to trust. I've also found myself feeling pretty lonely and God has begun challenging that in my life.
There were 3 things I was worried about being a stay at home mom. (BTW its been almost a year now...crazy!) 1. Purposefulness; 2.Lack of Intellectual Stimulation; 3. Boredom.
1. Purposefulness: After being in ministry for sometime I thought how useless I would feel staying at home cleaning my house, cooking, doing laudry, changing diapers, and giving baths. There's not much "making disciples" in that is there? Instead God has given me a great sense of purposefullness in ministering to my family. He has challenged me to do each task intentionally to either serve my husband or teach my daughter. Somtimes I miss the "discipleship" aspect of my childfree life, but there is much joy found at discipling your daughter, even if it means saying a 3 second prayer while she screams for lunch! Trying to teach her to be thankful for her food and how to pray. Also, JK and I are starting a couples' small group in a few weeks and are overly excited about being able to minister together to other couples.
2. Lack of Intellecutal Stimulation: I felt really dumb for several months. Changing diapers, laundry, and cooking don't take much brain power. But JK and I both committed to reading more this new year. I got three books going at once (Grace Based Parenting, Feminine Appeal, & Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God). JK and I also are taking a NT Class at Brook Hills together. It kinda feels like our dream of going to seminary together. Those outlets are really helping.
3. Boredom: This is where I struggle and this is where God is challenging me. In fact, boredom is not the word. Lonliness is the word. How much talking does an 11 month do? A lot but not much that I understand. I can spend all day in this house with just my daughter and by the end of the morning feel pretty lonely. God has challenged me in two areas A. I need to be okay with stillness; B. I am created for community and I must reach out.
A. I need to be okay with stillness: I like to be busy, so I don't have time to think. I need to be okay with thinking some. I need to be better at being still and listening to God. I need to use the stillness to commune with him and teach my daughter the same.
B. I need to reach out. God created me to do life with other people and I don't think it is
healthy for me to hang out with just my 11 month old from 6a-6p five days a week while my husband works. Reaching out is way out of my comfort zone. I don't want people to think "I need them." I don't want to find myself in uncomfortable, vulnerable, and out of my comfort zone situations and sometimes reaching out requires this.
So my goal is to set some tangible things I can do next week to 1. Be okay with stillness & make it intentional and 2. Reach Out. God has been faithful over the last year to transform me in many areas and I am confident he is not done transforming me.
Feels good to be back and have a clear brain as we go "fight" nap time!
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#1 that's a pretty stellar reading list you've got for yourself
ReplyDelete#2 my door is always open if you want to reach out this way =o)
I relate so much to everything you're saying- I was in pretty much exactly the same spot when I had an 11 month old (except I wasn't pregnant again yet). I know it's probably obvious, but can I just say that you will miss the stillness soon? I love the noise and energy that 2 kids bring, but at the same time, I miss having the time to pray and think that I used to have.
ReplyDeleteI also relate to it being difficult to reach out. It's easy to feel like everyone else is busier than you are and that maybe you're intruding if you reach out to them. But you're right that we really need the community. I always wonder how many of us are lonely and wanting more community but are too nervous to initiate getting together with other moms... while those other moms feel exactly the same way.
Also- related to the above point- I was just thinking about you yesterday and thinking that we should get together again sometime... so I think your blog post is confirmation that we need to make that happen. :)