Redefined Dreams

Ten weeks ago tomorrow my life changed. Now, I knew having a child would definitely change some aspects of my life but I am not sure I was prepared for the magnitude of these changes. I have often found myself wondering the last 2.5 months if every new mom's life is turned upside down like mine has been, or if God is using my daughter in a very specific way to sanctify me. In some sense who I am, my identity has changed. I am now a mother.

The magnitude of my love for my daughter is indescribable. I can't believe I love someone in the way I love her. Now, I have a great marriage and I love my husband dearly. I can't describe to you that love either. I guess the love I have for my daughter is different than the love I have for my husband- not better or worse just different. My wise friend Becca described it this way, "You CHOSE to love your husband, you just naturally loved your daughter."

The love I have for her has driven me to my knees in a way I have never experienced. I am so burdened for the salvation of this little girl's life, that sometimes I find myself weeping over her as I beg God to draw her into a relationship with himself. The truth is, she was born in rebellion to God. Nothing good is in her. She is separated from the creator and sustainer of her life and she desperately needs him to save her from her rebellion and wickedness. (I have been convicted of my lack of desperation for others to know Christ because of the desperation I feel for her to know Christ, but we will save that for another post). Together as a couple we have begged God to give us wisdom to know how to train her in righteousness. I know God is the one who initiates a relationship with her and through his grace he is the one who gives her faith, but I firmly believe that God has entrusted her life into our care so we can create an environment for God to work in her life. So we beg God for wisdom to know how to do this.

In these times of seeking wisdom I have felt God leading me to (gasp) become a "stay at home mom." Yes, I just typed it and in fact I have even said it out loud to my husband. I believe obedience for me in this season of life (however long it is) is to stay at home and create an environment for the Lord to work in the life of my daughter. Why the gasp, the shock- because for 26 years of my life I have said "I will never stay at home with my kids."

You see I have dreams. Dreams of a counseling career that would bring honor and glory to God. Dreams of seeing people freed from unhealthy living to radical abandonment to the ways of God. Good, Biblical, Kingdom dreams. In addition to those dreams lurk the insecurities, "I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom." If I listed for you my strengths and weakness you would see qualities that glaringly say you should work outside the home. You certainly wouldn't find a list of strengths that meet the criteria for what I have always believed to be a good stay at home mom- crafty, good cook, good house cleaner, good with kids, etc.

These last 10 weeks God has debunked the idea of a stereotypical stay at home mom. He has whispered quietly to my spirit for me to be who he created me to be and to obediently follow his call to stay at home. I don't have to create a facade of the "stereotypical stay at home mom." He has promised me that he will be strong in my weaknesses and in my insecurities if I obey him. He has asked me to trust him, to let him expose my insecurities, to be obedient and he will take care of the rest.

My old dreams haven't disappeared. God has just redefined my dreams for this season. I want what he wants for me. You see in seventy years when I look back on my life I want to have left a legacy of radical devotion to Christ and radical abandonment to this world. I want that legacy to be left through my children and my grandchildren. I am committed to do whatever God commands me to do for that legacy to be left even if I feel exposed, insecure, and uncomfortable the entire time. His future promise is worth it.